They Stumble That Run Fast
by queenofquincy
Summary: Julian is baffled at Garak's insistence on keeping their relationship a secret.  He's determined to find out why, but getting the truth out of Garak is not the easiest of tasks.


Julian hated mornings.

Terrestrial mornings were bad enough, but they were a thousand times worse on a space station. They were just so...arbitrary. Without a sun, there weren't any real days or nights, just a never-ending darkness that they all attempted to carve into artificial hours and minutes and seconds. Why should he have to be awake and alert for _this_ particular patch of darkness rather than _that_ one? His body simply didn't accept it, no matter how hard he tried to train it otherwise. No sunlight meant no morning, which meant no real reason to drag himself out of his comfortable bed.

This morning was looking to be particularly heinous. He'd had very little sleep – not that he was complaining, given the very pleasurable reasons he'd been kept up past his bedtime. But it was his day off and he should be able to sleep in, except _someone_ was already up and around, which had woken him up.

He rubbed his face and reluctantly sat up. Garak was, of course, already dressed. He was sitting on the side of the bed, pulling on his one of his boots.

″What time is it?″ he asked blearily.

″About 0600, I expect.″

″_0600?_″ He groaned and fell back on the bed. It had been 0300 at the very earliest when they'd finally fallen asleep. ″Why are you awake? _How_ are you awake?″

Garak leaned down and kissed him. ″Good morning to you, too.″

″Inaccurate on both accounts. Firstly, it's my day off, so morning doesn't start for another three hours, at least,″ he said, counting the reasons off on his fingers. ″And secondly, there's nothing good about being awake right now.″

″Then go back to sleep.″

″No, it's too late now,″ Julian said as he stretched. ″I'm already awake.″ He watched Garak lace his boot for a moment. ″So you're leaving, then?″

Garak paused. ″Yes,″ he said.

Julian wasn't surprised, but he still felt a sinking feeling in his chest. He hated when Garak did this – sneaking out of his quarters every time they were together. At least he'd stayed the night this time.

Their relationship was close to perfect otherwise. It had started six months ago, after Garak had returned from his disastrous trip to the Gamma quadrant. Julian had been so relieved to have him back that he pulled him into an embrace without thinking. It had startled both of them. They'd been friends for a long time, but there was always a bit of a distance between them. Julian had thought that it was because of the very different worlds that they came from. Perhaps that had been true in the beginning, but they'd passed that point long ago. The distance was there because they couldn't be friends otherwise – if they started to get too close, they wouldn't be able to stop themselves from falling into each other completely.

And that's exactly what happened. Garak had shown up at his quarters in the middle of the night and kissed him without saying a word. Julian was shocked at how completely not shocked he was by this development. In retrospect, it really had been a long time in coming. They fell into bed without saying a word, since everything leading to this point had already been said - not directly, of course, but in looks over lunch that were longer than necessary, meaningless brushes of the hand that turned out to not be so meaningless after all, and especially in the spaces between what they said and what they meant.

Julian was utterly besotted. He'd always considered himself primarily interested in women, but once again, Garak had broadened his horizons. There was a sense of immediacy about their relationship that Julian found very appealing – there was no talk of their respectively checkered pasts or any discussion of the future. Every moment they had together felt both completely new and comfortably familiar. Their lunchtime conversations migrated to the bedroom, only now there was this wonderfully odd physical component to their chats. For example, Julian would find himself in the middle of defending the minimalist approach of Betazed plays from the mid-period of the thirty-second dynasty, and then he would notice that he had absentmindedly started to stroke Garak's thigh. And then Garak would retort that the Betazed presumption that the audience would telepathically observe many more layers than what was written in the text made the plays of that period failures in a multicultural context, and then Garak's hand would slide up under Julian's shirt, and suddenly they would be tearing each others' clothes off and writhing around in bed. As foreplay went, it was a little strange, but Julian found it very satisfying.

But of course, since this was Garak, there were some maddening contradictions in their relationship. Garak insisted on complete secrecy. That was fine with Julian at first, since he wasn't quite sure how to classify what they had together; it seemed like a good idea to wait until they knew what they were doing before making themselves known to everyone.

Besides, it was sort of fun, sneaking around like spies. They came up with all sorts of creative covert ways to schedule their rendezvous. For instance, when he wanted to make a date, Julian would go to Garak's shop and order a pair of trousers (which meant that he was free that night), and Garak would tell him it would be eight strips of latinum (which meant he'd be by in about eight hours). One time, they were both so hot and bothered that they'd negotiated the price to negative two strips of latinum and made out in one of the changing stalls.

Or then there was the time that Garak pretended to have a dizzy spell while they were at their weekly lunch. Julian loudly insisted that he go to the infirmary; Garak just as loudly refused to go. Julian then ″convinced″ Garak that he should at least go lie down in his quarters for a while, and offered to accompany him, just to make sure he followed doctor's orders and went straight to bed. Garak listened for once, and stayed in bed for an impressive two and a half hours.

But the shine had worn off, and it was beginning to become tedious. While their secretive trysts became more and more frequent, they would still only ever meet in public once a week for lunch, since Garak thought it would raise suspicions if they were seen together more often. And Garak treated him with such cool formality that was completely incongruous with how they were with each other when they were alone. He even called him 'doctor,' which was a bizarre thing to hear from the same mouth that had been devouring him the previous night. Julian knew that getting involved with Garak would mean putting up with a few eccentricities, but this was ridiculous.

Three weeks ago, they had their first major fight. Julian wanted to know why Garak was so insistent about keeping their relationship a secret. Garak was evasive, as usual, offering him little half-truths and misdirections, and Julian finally lost his temper. He'd accused Garak of being incapable of addressing anything directly, and on top of that, he was a pathological liar – which was true, of course, but it still wasn't a very nice thing to say. Garak had left in a huff, and they stopped speaking for a week. Julian was miserable, and what was worse, Garak seemed hardly affected at all. That wasn't true, of course – Garak was the one who finally caved in, showing up at Julian's quarters in the middle of the night as he had before, kissing him desperately.

They were both so relieved that they didn't really talk about it until the following week, when Julian brought it up again. Garak managed to completely evade all of Julian's questions once more; Julian didn't have the heart to call him on it, so nothing was really resolved. Garak made some vague promises about not being so secretive, but here he was, dashing off before Julian was even fully awake. He didn't want to fight, but he couldn't let it go. ″And where are you off to in such a hurry?″ he asked, trying to keep his tone light.

″The shop, of course.″

″You don't open for another three hours,″ Julian said. ″And besides, it's not like people are pounding down your doors anyway.″

″Your faith in my professional affairs is so touching,″ Garak said dryly. ″How lucky I am to have such support.″

″Oh, stop it – you know what I mean.″ Garak wouldn't look at him, so Julian plopped himself backward into Garak's lap and looked up at him with what he hoped was an endearing expression. ″Come on – it's my day off. Just stay for once. Please?″

Garak still looked annoyed, but it was more of a fond annoyance now, which Julian supposed was progress. ″My dear, I simply can't.″

″Then at least tell me why. And don't insult my intelligence by telling me you have some important tailoring project you need to finish, because I looked through your store accounts last night before you came over to make sure that you didn't.″

″Looking through my accounts without my permission? Surely that must be against some sort of Federation regulation,″ he said, evading the question once again.

Julian let out an irritated sigh. It looked like he was going to have to play dirty. He sat up again, then grabbed the boot Garak hadn't had a chance to put on yet and put it behind his back. ″I'm not giving you your boot until you answer my question.″

″Oh, very mature. Give it here.″

″I'm serious,″ he said. ″You'll have to fight me for it otherwise. And I'm warning you – I bite.″

Garak rolled his eyes. ″Fine, if you must know. Yesterday, when I went to Quark's to purchase that bottle of kanar we enjoyed last night, I noticed that Chief O'Brien was at the bar, drinking Scotch, alone. I know that the Chief never drinks at night if he has a morning shift the next day. I also know he never drinks alone unless he's having a fight with his wife. And I'm assuming that he knows that you have today off, which means that he's going to be knocking on your door sometime this morning, wanting to do one of those vigorous holodeck programs he enjoys, like that boating one that sounds like a Klingon hacking up a taknar bone.″

″Kayuking?″

″That's it. And I would rather not have him catch me here.″

″So, in other words, you're sneaking around,″ Julian said.

″And this is why I didn't want to mention it,″ Garak said under his breath.

″We just talked about this! I thought you said you were going to stop acting as if our relationship is some sort of terrible secret.″

″I have! In fact, last week, I deliberately walked back to my quarters without avoiding any of the security cameras.″

″You were dodging the security cameras before?″ Julian asked, slightly aghast. ″How? Were you crawling through maintenance shafts?″

Garak ignored the question. ″Do you really want the Chief walking in on us?″

″Well, maybe not,″ Julian conceded. ″But would it really be so terrible if he found out about us?″

Garak blinked his eyes rapidly. ″...is that a trick question?″

″He's going to find out eventually.″

″Not if we're very careful.″

″Let me rephrase that – I _want_ him to find out eventually,″ he said. ″No, actually, let me rephrase that again – I want him to find out _soon_.″

″I thought we agreed that we were going be discreet,″ Garak said, beginning to sound snippy again.

″We've been sleeping together for six months now. Don't you think the time for discretion has passed?″

″Is that another trick question?″

″If I wait any longer to tell him, he might never forgive me. And I want him to know about us if we're going to be together.″ Garak didn't say anything. ″You do want to

be with me, don't you?″

″You know I do,″ Garak said quietly.

″Then what's the problem?″

″For a start, I'm fairly certain that he hates me.″

″No, he doesn't.″ Garak gave him a look. ″Well, all right, maybe you're not his favorite person in the universe, but he's my best friend. Federation law requires him to

like you.″

Garak snorted. ″Is that a fact.″

Julian nodded solemnly. ″It is. And besides, you already have so much in common. You can bond over how annoying you both find me.″

Garak sighed, but a smile was tugging at the corners of his mouth. ″I thought that you humans enjoyed secretive romances,″ he said, leaning in closer. ″You know, star-crossed lovers meeting in the night, stolen kisses on balconies...″ He placed a kiss on Julian's bare shoulder.

Julian grinned. ″You've been reading Shakespeare again, I see.″

″Mmm-hmm,″ Garak said. He kissed him on the neck, right below his ear. ″I find him very hopelessly sentimental, but I think I'm starting to learn your alien romantic customs.″ He leaned in and whispered in Julian's ear, ″_For never was a story more obscene/Than that of Julian and his Elim._″

Julian burst out laughing. ″That was terrible.″

″Doesn't quite scan, does it?″ He was still laughing when Garak pulled him in for a kiss. Julian let out a happy moan as he kissed him back. That had been much easier than he'd expected. Perhaps it was a good morning after all.

As they kissed, Garak ran his hand from its place on the back of Julian's neck, over his shoulder, down his back – and then he plucked his boot from Julian's grip and quickly retreated to the living room.

After a few stunned seconds, Julian grabbed his shorts off of the floor and pulled them on. When he got to the living room, Garak was sitting on the sofa, lacing up his other boot.

″That,″ he said, ″was a dirty trick.″

″You sound so surprised,″ Garak said. He stood up and started towards the door.

Julian put himself in front of him, blocking his way. ″Why are you so paranoid about people finding out about us?″

″And why are _you_ so anxious to make our love life a public spectacle?″ Garak's voice had taken on the cool tone he reserved for situations in which he wanted to be seen as the calm, rational one when he was secretly seething in anger. Wonderful. A fight it was, then.

″I'm not asking you to fuck me in the middle of the promenade; I just want to be able to tell my best friend that I'm in a relationship! And I'm tired of only having lunch with you once a week to 'avoid raising suspicions,' and lying to my friends on nights when I'm seeing you, and meeting at odd hours to make sure people don't catch us together. People know anyway.″

A look of panic came over Garak's face. ″Who?″ he asked forcefully. ″Who knows?″

The intensity in his voice caught Julian completely off-guard. ″Jadzia,″ he said faintly. ″She asked me the other day if there was something going on between the two of us, so I told her.″

″Who else?″

″I don't know.″ Julian recovered from his surprise and rounded on him with anger. ″Do you really find the prospect of people knowing about us to be that humiliating?″

It was Garak's turn to look surprised. ″Humiliating? No, of course not; that's not it at all – ″

″Then explain it to me!″

Garak turned away and was silent for a few long moments. ″You never finish those Cardassian novels I give you, do you?″ he said finally.

Julian almost screamed with frustration; he forced himself to take a deep breath. ″No,″ he said through gritted teeth. ″Like our arguments, they tend to be a bit repetitive.″

″Not in the end. The repetitive epic always ends with a story that breaks the pattern, to reinforce the moral of the story. Like in _Reflections on a Moonlit Pool_, for instance. Most of the novel is about the process of becoming a member of the State, with young Cardassians learning to put their personal issues aside for the good of society. But at the end, there's the story of Kagar. Unlike the rest of the characters, Kagar never had to be taught to love the State; he was devoted to it from a very young age. His parents were very poor, you see – a result of their own wicked selfishness, and Kagar was determined to not be like them. The reduced circumstances of his birth made it impossible for him to reach the upper echelons of the government, but he did prove to be very useful as a covert agent. He accomplished great things for the good of Cardassia. He would never receive any recognition, but he was beyond such vanity. It was enough for him to do his duty.

″But then he made a terrible mistake. He fell hopelessly in love with a young woman. His love for her soon eclipsed his love for his duties, and he started to become sloppy. He had made many enemies while serving the State – as is proper, since he was very good at his job – and they saw his weakness. One day, they kidnapped her, murdered her, and sent her mutilated body back to him. His despair was so great that it destroyed him. He could no longer complete his duties and spent the rest of his days wandering the streets, a weak and useless wreck of a man.″

He paused for a moment before continuing. ″The moral of the story, of course, is that putting your personal life ahead of the State will only bring you sorrow. But hiscrime was much worse than simply failing to perform his duties. He was guilty of murdering the love of his life. I always felt sorry for poor Kagar, but in the end, his crime was unforgivable. He probably shouldn't have loved her at all, but she was so beautiful and so brilliant, and he was weak. If he couldn't stop himself from loving her, he should have at least made sure she was safe from his enemies. But he didn't, and so she died, and he spent the rest of his miserable life suffering under the burden of that knowledge.″

Julian softened. So that's what this was all about. ″No one is going to kill me.″

″Who said someone was? I was merely relating a touching Cardassian tragedy – a tale I find much more moving than teenagers killing themselves because they were too stupid to verify information.″

″This isn't Cardassia,″ Julian said, not allowing Garak to derail the conversation. ″You don't have any enemies here.″

″Thank you for that kind reminder of my increasing irrelevance.″

″I can't believe I have to point this out, but not being surrounded by people who want you dead is actually a _good_ thing.″ Julian wasn't angry anymore, but he still felt exasperated. Talking obviously wasn't going to get them anywhere at this point, so he reached out and put his arms around Garak. The other man was so tense that it was like holding a statue. Garak didn't respond at first, but Julian simply held onto him until the tension started to leave his body, and he finally returned the embrace. They stood there together for a long time.

″You great big idiot,″ Julian said after awhile. ″Why didn't you just say that when I asked you?″

″Because I knew that you wouldn't understand. And I was right, wasn't I?″

″Yes. I still don't see how telling my best friend that I'm in a relationship will somehow lead to brutal mutilation.″

″Considering who your best friend is, and who I am, I don't really see any other logical outcome.″

″He's going to be happy for us,″ Julian said firmly. ″You'll see – he'll probably immediately invite us to dinner with his wife.″

″If you're trying to make this sound more appealing, it's not working.″

″I thought you liked Keiko!″

″I do. But my dear, I can already picture it clearly in my head – the four of us, sitting around a well-meant but poorly executed Cardassian meal, the silence only interrupted by Keiko's attempts at benign small talk. The Chief and I will glare at each other, and then Keiko will glare at the Chief for glaring at me, and then you'll glare at all of us for glaring at each other...″

″...and Miles, who is actually a decent person who cares about me, will make an attempt at conversation – an awkward one, but an attempt nonetheless. And you will respond to it with good will, because you also care about me. And once you get to talking, you'll realize how much you have in common, and then Keiko and I will smile smugly at each other over our cocktails while the two of you hit it off. And then you and I will go back to my quarters and have hours of amazing sex, unburdened by secrecy and guilt.″ Julian gave him a winning smile.

Garak laughed. ″I've always found your optimism to be very charming – a little on the eccentric side, perhaps, but charming nonetheless.″

Julian threaded their fingers together. ″All joking aside – this is important to me. I'm happy, and I want other people to know. Is the thought of that really more frightening than the other things you've faced in your life?″

Garak looked down at their entwined hands. ″Yes. I don't trust happiness. It terrifies me, quite frankly.″

″Why?″

″Because it can be taken away so easily.″

Julian kissed him. ″This won't. I promise.″

They kissed each other again; Garak pulled away first. ″All right. You can tell your friends.″ Julian smiled widely. ″But not today.″

″Then when?″

″Soon. I just need some more time. '_Wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast_,' as your own Shakespeare said.″

″Fine – slink away, then,″ Julian said, and then immediately regretted it. He'd meant it jokingly, but they both knew he wasn't, really. A look of pain passed across Garak's face; it only lasted a moment, but it was long enough for Julian to see how much he'd hurt him. He left abruptly before Julian had the chance to apologize.

Julian cursed to himself and went back to bed, burying himself in the covers. His hatred of mornings had reached an all-time high. Garak was probably right about Miles; he most likely had about an hour or so before he would be knocking on his door. He really didn't feel like kayaking, but it would probably be better than sitting alone in the dark berating himself.

He still didn't know much about Garak's past, and he doubted he ever would. That was all right with Julian; whatever had happened to Garak had obviously been immensely traumatizing, and if he didn't want to relive that pain, Julian wasn't going to make him. And now that he knew that Garak's insistence on secrecy was based in fear for his safety and not out of some sort of shame about their relationship, he knew he ought to be more sensitive to that. It wasn't realistic to expect Garak to drop a lifetime's worth of paranoia so easily.

He was just contemplating taking a shower when the door buzzed. That would be Miles, earlier than expected. He sighed and pulled on some clothes before answering the door.

But it wasn't Miles – it was Garak. ″Oh!″ he said in surprise. ″You're back.″ Garak stood there without saying anything. Julian couldn't read his emotions – was he still upset? ″I'm sorry,″ he said. ″About earlier. I know that you're trying, and I can't expect you to change overni – ″

He was interrupted when Garak kissed him, pushing him back into the room. Julian kissed him back, grateful that there weren't any hard feelings (well, other than the one currently pressing into his thigh). They stumbled into the bedroom and landed on the bed. Julian finally pulled back to catch a breath. ″I take it that you changed your mind about staying?″

″Yes,″ Garak said. ″I have decided that I would rather nurture you than my paranoia.″

Julian smiled. ″And what if Miles shows up?″

″I suppose I'll ask him if there's room in the kayak for three.″

Julian laughed. ″You get your own kayak, actually.″

″Well, thank goodness for small favors.″

They started kissing again, but Julian pulled back one last time. ″Are you sure you're all right with this?″

Garak took a deep breath and nodded. ″Yes. It's not going to be easy, though. You must forgive me my occasional stumbles.″

Julian put his hand on Garak's face. ″Of course. I'll be there to catch you.″


End file.
